The lesbian nod

Irish rainbow

   I was walking down a sidewalk in Chicago with my grandsons gamboling about me.  Coming toward us was a woman pushing a stroller with one hand and guiding a toddler with the other.  She gave me a brief, courteous nod. Ah, the lesbian nod, a sign of recognition and encouragement between strangers.  I exchanged that nod with an old woman in the waiting room at the OSHU hospital.  It came again from a younger woman walking down the aisle of a plane, as I sat there with  my mask and stoic air-travel face already on.  The lesbian nod says, "I see  you." It is a grace note, and a comfort.
    Last week the Republic of Ireland voted decisively to recognize gay marriage.  Ireland is the first country in the world to enshrine gay marriage in its constitution by poplar vote. 60% of citizens voted, with many Irishmen flying back home from abroad just for the election.  62.5% voted yes.  The measure passed in all provinces except for one. After the results were announced, in Irish first and then in English, a double rainbow appeared over Dublin.

Double rainbow over Dublin

 
    Meanwhile, back in everyday life, I went to the bank to cancel a credit card that has a fee. The young banker persuaded me to open another credit card, one with no fees and cash back. She was following a script to fill out the application, and asked me about my annual income. "For both Judy  and me?" I asked. Yes. No looking up special Oregon rulesfor domestic partners, no calling a manager for clarification, no bewildered look.  She just filled out the form, and issued a card with more favorable terms than I would have gotten with just my income.

Wedding portrait

    What I didn't say to the banker was, "For me and my wife?"  I have hesitated to describe Judy as my wife.  In my early life I experienced shrinking into a wife, and it was awful.  I also find it awkward, after 20 years of calling her my partner, to say "wife."  But I am going to start doing it.  Our new minister refers matter-of factly to her first wife and her second wife.  The other day I heard a young male sportscaster talking about misogyny in FIFA, the world's governing body of soccer.  The head of the FIFA mistook the wife of one of the best women's soccer players the world for somebody else and he didn't bother to apologize, scolded the sportscaster.  I am getting used to hearing "his husband" or "her wife."  I realize that it is important to use the word "wife" as another way of saying that I claim the privileges of marriage.

Judy update

Looking good

 

         Judy is still able to do most of the things she wants to do.  She plays old-time music with a dulcimer group at Vista House in the Columbia Gorge, jams with her ukulele buddies and then joins them for lunch, schedules places to meet her friend Fuey, and spends hours in long thought at coffee houses. However, the events have to be spaced out. She now takes a day to rest between activities.   She still hopes to do two things on the same day, but finds that she cannot. On Monday she had her weekly 2-hour breakfast with her friend Donna, and she hoped to go to the Sisters in Crime dinner and program that evening. By afternoon she was too tired to go out.

     Fatigue is one of the main features of pulmonary fibrosis. Sometimes Judy feels wiped out in spite of  the accommodations she makes in  her schedule.  On those days she sleeps a lot.  She tries to figure out why she is so tired: Has the weather changed? Has she lacked sleep at  night lately?  It helps to attribute the fatigue to some circumstance. It is hard to see the dismay and occasional discouragement on Judy's

What next?

face when she has a low day.

Enjoying life

   Judy uses oxygen almost all of the time with activity. Moving from one point to another requires some strategy. Judy has learned to sit in the car for a few minutes after leaving a restaurant, for instance, and let her breathing settle down before she starts to drive home. The walk from the car to the house or from the recliner to the bed can set off vicious coughing fits, so Judy must make sure she is ready before she starts off.
    The doctor prescribed some good cough-taming medicine, but it has to be used judiciously.  Judy takes a dose before she gets up in the morning, and then  lies patiently in bed for an hour or two  before starting her day.  Fortunately, word games and animal videos amuse her. She has more wind for speaking in those morning hours in bed than she often does later in the day.  The other morning she was able to sing most of "Happy Birthday" on the phone to our daughter-in-law Courtney.

Backyard view

    Judy belongs to an online discussion group  called "Inspire,"sponsored by the Pulmonary Fibrosis Foundation.  With the people on the list, she feels like she is not alone.  She can ask any question, and she gets total support.  She learned from threads  on Inspire that people with her disease often look very healthy, almost to the end.  Judy is looking good for the shape she's in.

Mutt Leigh on patrol

     Thanks to our gardening friend Lisa, we now have a fantastic backyard view. Judy spends a lot of time with that view. It is fun to watch the squirrels tease Miss Mutt Leigh as she patrols her territory.

New minister

 

Search committee and candidate 

     We on the search committee chose the Reverend Marcia Stanard as our candidate for minister. Marcia is dynamic and joyful and sharp. She is from Oregon, a graduate of Lewis and Clark College  here and the Meadville-Lombard Theological School in Chicago. She's in her early forties, a proud mother of two teenagers. She had very Portland post-college jobs: working at Powell's books, wearing a dirndl and singing German drinking songs as a waitress at Gustav's, volunteering at the Women's crisis line,  and managing a naturopathic office.  Her wife Katie is a police dispatcher.  For the past 5 years Marcia has served a small Portland congregation half time, and an even smaller congregation 5 hours away in Blaine, Washington a quarter time. (The work history of the majority of our 20 candidates reminds me of that of adjunct professors.)  After searching all over the country for our new minister, we discovered  the girl next door.

The Reverend Marcia Stanard

     The committee followed the guidelines and timeline of the Unitarian Universalist Association in the selection of the candidate.  This ridiculously long process had some beneficial effects. The congregation became clear about their current identity and direction, and identified what they were looking for in a minister to lead them. They also became invested in the work of the committee, even as we became highly invested in the candidate we chose. We fully expected that the congregational vote on April 26 would be no problem.  As I told Marcia, "They are invested in us, and we are invested in you.  Now all you have to do is seal the deal."
    Marcia hit it out of the park with her first sermon on April 19. During the following week, she introduced herself at 23 church meetings. I attended many of them with her.  I was impressed with how quickly and thoroughly she connected and grasped the dynamics of each group. She was both bold and compassionate in addressing issues that most job applicants would avoid until well after they were in office.

Marcia accepts the position

     At the end of the very last dinner meeting of that long week, Marcia checked her phone for some scheduling question. She began smiling and crying; we knew she had gotten some important news.  Her younger daughter, age 13, had won second place in the state History Day competition, and would be going to DC for the national contest.  We all  rejoiced with this thoroughly exhausted and thoroughly present mother. The next day, Marcia preached again, and went around the corner with her daughters while the congregation voted.

  There were very few questions at the meeting before the vote.  One member asked us what made us choose Marcia, not above all the other applicants, but what made us think she was the best  fit for our church.  According to our committee chair, the most  persuasive argument in favor of Marcia came from me.  I had said that "we, as a group, are better with her than without her.  She brings out the best in us."  The congregation voted 96% in favor of calling Marcia as our new minister. Five people abstained.  Nobody voted no.
     Success!  Marcia will be installed as our minster in late August.